learned to live

So i havent been writing here for a while, i just noticed that my new years resolution was to write more often in my dead blog but i havent (shame on me!). I have been thinking alot lately, i have been really nostalgic towards me being here (probably staying for my last 2 months). Scholarships for PHds are harder to obtain than i thought! im probably moving back home and try to leave to the US or Canada, pretty much wherever i get accepted now!! wish me luck

Two years or so have passed since i moved from Guate. and i think that i have finally started living my life again, from what i was doing 3 years ago or 4 years ago. I have noticed that those years werent that great, i tried to live a life that wasnt for me and it was only to gain acceptance. The person i was trying to win her acceptance left me in the end, with no reason what so ever. I was totally devastated after that time and nothing was quite the same again. Since i came here i noticed tons of changes in me. First, i started living, seeing life in a 180 degrees perspective. I did not want to be that person ever again. It was hard at first, i was never used to do all these things by myself, it got hard at times. Even in hardcore, my life, was sooo blurry. THats when the biggest change in my life came and i left straight edge. Now when i look back i think it was the dumbest decision in my life, but it happened. I have to say i had some months were i wasnt my self, im back in my way... saying that im pretty much edge now but im not edge. I will never call myself edge again because ive betrayed the straight edge, i would never give it a bad name after what i did and lived!
Either way, im at that point when i dont want days to pass by because im still waiting for two scholarhips, what might the outcome be? who knows, but i rather think that im not getting it that way i can be surprised if i do. Nonetheless, im nervous about that and nervous about going back home!
The few times ive been home it has been weird, i dont know that much people as i knew before. Guatemala seems soo difffernet from what im used to know. What will i do once im there, living with my parents again? its quite out of the question.... but i need money to survive, so i need a job...... lots of questions going through my head now!
i really just wish i could stay and finish my pHD, its my lifes dream! but yet again i still have to wait!
i just wanted to write what was on my mind!
PEACE OUT